So I really don't write in this blog very often anymore. That's probably the result of not having very much to vent about :P Homework is pretty much the worst of my life right now! Lately I've just been really happy! Weeks of happiness have been raining down on me. A downpour that I'm dancing in. I am so blessed. School is almost out too! Sooo glad! I've been trying to get a job this summer but we'll see what happens :P This weekend was amazing! Toasted Marshmallow's at Madison's on Friday (: Yesterday I saw the Avengers! It was amazingly great! I hung out with my family a bit, then went to a friend's house where I watched a hilarious old movie called Better Off Dead! Totally recommend it! :P Then it was such a nice evening we went for a walk which ended up  taking a couple hours :P It was a gorgeous night! The moon was HUGE! It was a pretty perfect night (: Today's been amazing! Spiritual upfiftment, family bonding, great movies, drawing (: I don't really know what else to say...hence my rambling :P The end for now I guess :P

No Title

So...I felt like writing in my blog. Sometimes I am quite incapable of writing what I want to however...and somehow while I was sitting here staring at this screen, this poem emerged instead. So random blog poem time I guess? Yeah it doesn't really have a title...or anything...

I’m drowning I think.

Not as one might say.

But the ocean dragged me in,

As I sat at the bay.

It started off slowly

A gentlesome tide.

Then started a rolling

And opened up wide.

I held to the shore,

The sand and the rocks,

But they were quite jagged

And I found myself caught.

I struggled for oxygen

Holding it in.

Determined not to give up

Pushing high up my chin.

As I drew closer to the center

Great storms did await.

So much that I felt

Like a fisherman’s bait.

There right in the center

A miracle came

There the clouds parted

And showed a glorious day.

I basked in the sunlight

Sucking it in.

My face soon enough

Found a large grin.

Hours of bliss floated on by

But I worried the sun

Would very soon die.

The clouds would come looming

The storms filled with fright

And I need to go back to the shore

That much too soon night.

Questions Un-asked

Have you ever had a question that you want answered so badly, but you don't ask it, because you're afraid of what the answer is? Sometimes I get so scared.

I remember one time when my Grandma and Grandpa got in a car accident while I was at school. When I got home my mom was telling me about this horrible accident and I was so scared, so scared she would say that they died, so scared that they were badly hurt, so scared that I could not ask if they were okay. I was too afraid that they weren't, too afraid of the pain that would come if they weren't. Too afraid of losing more that I love. So I didn't ask. She told me, and they were fine. I was so happy I cried.

Now I find myself facing these same fears. Not that of anyone in a car crash, but sometimes I'm so afraid that I don't know what to do. I always seem to love too much. It scares me. I hurt myself. It scares me when I dig myself deep into something without knowing if someone's standing outside the hole to help me out. I could always yell up and ask them if they're there, but I'm so afraid that they're not, that I just stand in the damp sand. I don't want to bug them if they're up on the beach playing volleyball. Instead I stand waiting for them to ask me if I'm ready to come out, but the truth is they probably won't, and it's wrong of me to expect them to.

Sometimes I'm just waiting for pain...hoping it won't come. I need to be stronger. I'm trying.

I can feel summer creeping up!! :D Only 40 more days of school! I am so so so happy! I'm ready for summer. This week has started off pretty good! Lately as I've been studying my scriptures I keep finding absolutely amazing ones! One that is definitely a favorite of mine is Alma 26:12. It says "Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever." I feel like this scripture has answered so many of my questions. Sometimes I have a hard time thinking I'm good enough and wonder if I can ever be good enough. After praying about this, I found this scripture. This proves that I can be. Not by myself but with the Lord's strength. Maybe, just maybe, with his help I can make some miracles too. Which goes along with my newest goal! I have decided I don't do nearly enough service for others! One of my greatest desires is to make a difference and to change lives and I don't think I've been trying hard enough! So i've decided I am going to go out of my way with something I wouldn't normally do, every day, to serve someone. They might not be huge things, they could just be making someone a batch of cookies, helping someone with yard work, writing someone a card, visiting an elderly home, ect. They may not change lives, but they are my baby steps to where I want to be, and I think they will change my life. I think I'm finally starting to understand myself. Yesterday I got my patriarchal blessing recommend also! I am extremely excited to get my blessing! :D Life is really going great! Sorry I ramble on forever :P I should really go to bed sometime soon...goodnight! (:

Happy? (:

It's been awhile :P I usually blog when things aren't going the greatest and well everything's been going amazing as of late! :D  Just finished spring break which was of course the greatest of them yet! Now I'm back in school but it's 4th quarter and I can see the finish line not far ahead! :D I love life. Yep. The End. Today I remembered something that made me so happy! I always forget things but today I was thinking about when I was younger and summer memories flooded in! I remembered before my brother was born how my mom, sister, and I would set up my little tent outside on warm summer nights. We'd pop huge bowls of popcorn and make all kinds of treats and would have a slumber party out in the tent with a little battery operated cordless tv which we'd watch old funny movies on! We'd play board games all night and never failed to have the time of our lives! (: I think back to those nights and almost wish I was that 8 year old again. I would love to do that again! So I decided this year it's my brother's turn! Yep I'm setting that little old tent up and we're going to party it up this summer! :D I'm so excited! It sounds silly but looking back those nights are some of my favorites (: I want him to have those too! I am loving spring oh so much (: and definitely looking forward to an epic summer! (: 2012 you are just beginning (:

Today I went for a walk (like I do most days) to the most amazing place! The little park by my house! I absolutely love it! (: I was walking across the bridge when I realized just how beautiful and perfect it is! So I snapped a picture with my cellphone (super low quality)! The stunning sight is hardly captured in this picture! It may seem silly but my park is like my own little sacred grove. I go there at my lowest and at my happiest and everywhere in between. It's often where I cry to the lord in times of sorrow or thank the lord fervently for everything that surrounds me in happiness. Somehow I see all the beauty of the earth in this little park. It's so shocking to me when other people don't see my park this way, they see it as just a park. Somehow they can't see the way the sun shines between the tree's branches, they don't see the miniature blue flowers in bunches throughout the grass, they can't hear the frogs croaking and the bee's buzzing or the laughter of the children that used to be me. They don't see the little waterfalls in the creek, the kisses given on the bridge. They can't see the beautiful variations of tree's and leaves and flowers, or the brilliantly colored dragonflies zooming around, they can't see the proudness in a father's face when his little girl jumps off a swing or goes down the slide by herself for the very first time. They can't see the dedication in the faces of those running on the trail, the sweat and hard work sliding off their faces, they don't see the loyalty between the boy or man and his dog, or the mountains on all sides reaching to the heavens and they can't see all the dandelion wishes blowing in the wind.. These are only a few things I see and yet somehow they go missed. I don't understand how people can live in such a beautiful world and miss all of the beauty that surrounds them. If you looked in the crack of a sidewalk you will probably find something beautiful, it's all about keeping your eyes open.  Everyday I am amazed by the beauty surrounding me, not only in the environment but in the people I see. I don't completely understand the world's view of beauty. It's all about how great your hair is, how pretty your eye color is, how large your nose is, the shape of your lips, how much you weigh, ect. That makes no sense though! If their eyes are glaring or mocking at other's where is the beauty? If their eyebrows are arched in anger or disgust where is the beauty? If their lips are frowning or grinning at other's folly's is that beauty? If their jaw is set high with pride, and their hair done in hours from vanity, is that beauty? If they're wearing as little clothing as possible for popularity or attraction is that beauty? Isn't it the kindness  and brightness in their eyes, the smile of their lips, the way they put their chin forward with confidence in themselves and willingness to help others, the way they respect the temple their heavenly father gave them, the kindness they say, and the hands they stretch out, isn't it these things that are beauty? To me it is. I think some people don't understand how beautiful they are or how beautiful they could be. Sometimes it's hard for me because I wish I was the daughter my mom wishes she had, or the girl all the guys want to go on a date with. I would hardly say I'm the worlds view of beauty. I'm struggling to become Heavenly father's view of beauty. Someday I hope to be as beautiful as my grandma is. Now is just my beginning.

Pushing and Pulling

So i've sort of realized something. I think I push away the people I love the most. I'm so scared of hurting them and of being hurt. I always seem to close myself out and pull up my defensive walls. Madison gets so frustrated with me because when I'm hurting the most I try and hide it. I don't want her to see and to hurt for me. I think she hurts more when she can tell I'm keeping my pain from her though...by trying not to inflict pain I tend to inflict it. It's not like I'm always hiding pain, I'm generally genuinely happy about life and everything going on it. In times of pain however I hide away in my room under my covers where my pain can't effect any of the lives around me. I hide from my own family. Lately I've realized not only to I shut people out when I'm in pain, I shut people out for the fear of pain. Generally when I like a guy it's not hard for me but lately with a guy i think i'm doing the opposite of showing him I like him. It's so much easier to joke around about liking a guy you don't like and flirting with a guy you don't like than with one you do. If they don't like you back then you don't get hurt like with someone who you really care for, and you don't want the guy you like to not want to be friends with you because you're showing too much affection for him when he doesn't feel the same. Therefore I think I end up flirting with his friend instead of him, being mean to him instead of nice. It's so weird because I usually am not this way! I think the more you care about someone the more you fear rejection, especially when they probably don't like you back. I think I'm probably confusing the poor guy to death though. One second I probably seem like I like him and then the next I don't. If only he knew...but then I wonder would it make a difference?